When the Homily is about Immunology

The real me

This is gonna really hit on some personal notes, but I need to get this off my chest.

None of you know the real me. Scripture tells us that I myself may not know the real me. However, I think I get glimpses every now and then and it scares the hell out of me. These glimpses are frequently provided by the interaction I have with my children.

Folks, let me be as plain and clear as I possibly can be: sometimes I am a big steaming pile of self-indulgent fecal material. There is no end to my selfishness...truly there isn't . You know, I never wanted to be a father and I do not think I'm a very good one. For as long as I can remember, the sound of a crying baby made me want to run in the opposite direction and the loud rambunciousness of children did more to irritate me than lead me to the joy that it should have. I thought perhaps this might change after I started having kids of my own, and to some extent it has, but also to some extent it has not.

It seems to me that my youngest cries ALOT more than any of the others did and I must be honest - his crying brings to heart and mind irritation before sympathy and this is terrible - I hate this about myself. Now, I am pretty sure I love my kids (remember, I'm not sure that I know the REAL me), but boy sometimes the way I FEEL and occassionally act you wouldn't suspect so. Fatherhood is a constant struggle for me and I wrestle with feelings that seem to cry out: "See, told you you shouldn't be a father."

sigh

So, where does this leave me...there are good days and there are bad days. Some days joy and other, well you know. Pray for God's help some might say. Well Orthodoxy has taught me that THAT is precisely what got me into this mess to begin with!

Because, salvation is found in them. I could not do this without the Church, without her teachings, without her life. Everyday I see fatherhood as the asceticism I must embrace...more challenging to me than any fast or any vigil. I wish it was easier, I wish my struggle would take place in the realm of something more benign, but THIS is where I need the healing. My sins are being shown to me....painfully so. Sometimes I see it in the eyes of one of my children because I have made it clear to them in some way that I do not have the time, patience, or love for them. In those moments, the fact that THEY are saving me becomes wonderfully clear.

I'm stepping away from this keyboard now and am going to make it abundantly clear to them that by God's grace I do have the time, patience, and love for them. I owe them a good deal of thanks.