O Lord and Master of my life...

Take from me the spirit of sloth, despair

Generally, I tend to think that I do not really struggle with despair, but upon closer and more honest examination I can certainly see instances in which I have allowed despair to rule in my heart. Thankfully, it is usually short-lived, but no less destructive I think. My heart truly goes out to those who wrestle more particularly with this than I do...it is a dark place to be in, so dark that you cannot - for a time - see your way out.

My despair often comes, upon hindsight, in the most asinine and silly situations. I utterly lose the ability to see context, the bigger picture. Money, kids, my own failings and SPECIFICALLY its relationship with the former two are all culprits. Ahhh, somewhere out there is a holiness that allows you to face all of your challenges with hope, love, and peace...even those challenges that really are not challenges. Lord have mercy on those with REAL challenges!

One particular moment of despair came when I knew that I did not have the money or the expertise to fix my own rotted out bathroom floor. I vividly recall sitting in our living room and feeling the wieght of the world on my shoulders...utterly despondant, angry, unwilling to listen to reason, unwilling to be comforted, seemingly desirious for the situation to be as bad as or worse than it possibly could be seen. It is an ugly place, a selfish place, a faithless place....a sinful place.

Once sanity returns, often with the prevailing problem solved or on its way to being solved, we see how absurd that state of being was. God preserve us from it...and God grant that we remain awake to it's impending arrival, to our defense against it, our treading water through it, and ultimately our escape from it.

Who is so great as our God? Where's my faith?

Comments

Meg said…
I probably should not say this so publicly, but -- the worst despair I ever experienced was feeling that God Himself had abandoned me. Not that He *couldn't* forgive sin, just that He could choose not to -- and He had chosen not to. What do you do with that one?!

Well -- you continue to pray. Because ultimately, prayer isn't a quid pro quo, it's something you owe God just because He is God. And when I came to that conclusion -- suddenly, there He was again. He had never left at all.
2:34 PM
Monica said…
I hear ya. I am sans employment right now and while we are fine financially, I can't seem to shake the despair looming. Lord have mercy.
3:24 PM
Anonymous said…
If you need help with the bathroom lemme know, I have some skill with house construction and repair. So long as the rot doesn't go under a load-bearing wall it is really quite straightforward to repair.
7:42 AM
fdj said…
I should have been more clear, Rade...the floor problem got fixed well over a year ago...however, I do have a horrifc squeek in a floor I built that I cannot figure out how to fix. No despair yet, but if you are bored I would provide some very nice lenten liquified bread.
8:59 AM
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