When the Homily is about Immunology

August 15th, 33AD (sometime shortly after Acts 15)
Scathing Article Againts Orthodoxy, part 1

“Welcome to the 5th Avenue Christian Church in Antioch,” the friendly greeter said.

“Hi,” the newcomer says, “I’d like to become a Christian.”

“Oh wonderful! Just come into this room over here and we’ll have you circumcised.”

“What!?!? I thought I heard you Christians didn’t do that anymore! Some council or something!”

“Oh yes well, that is what they decided…but it is a complete violation of the command of God and is thoroughly unbiblical so we do not abide by such decisions. Please have a seat, I have a knife right here.”

Fast forward nearly two thousand years and someone is once again rehashing the centuries old arguments against icons, relics, and saints…sigh. They don’t like the 7th Ecumenical council. The 1st through the 6th were pretty cool - generally, but that 7th…yikes!

Okay, alright…I’ve decided that I’m in no mood to put forth some grand exposition defending Orthodoxy’s position on these topics – better men than men have already done so! However why not this: let’s have a seat and discuss the matter. Coffee? An IPA? Perhaps a bourbon or Scotch? The length and breadth of the topics raised in the essay are certainly vast enough to cover the whole spectrum of time contingent beverages, but alas I haven’t the time nor unction to address each and every minute point being made therein – even fueled with coffee now and bourbon later. Got your drink? Good.

Why don’t we begin with some of the points we can neglect right off? The supposition that western culture, as the pinnacle of man’s labor, is a trophy touting the rightness of Protestantism made me laugh (forgive me for saying so). The author was serious, but when I look at western society and agree to the great accomplishments it has made – MATERIALLY, I see yet spiritual lifelessness. The fruit doesn’t look terribly healthy to me AT ALL, and I’ve tasted it. “Gucky” my son would say.

The point that icons work against community seems absurd to me, I’ve never experienced a greater sense of community than I have amidst the iconodules – labeled by the essay as iconolatrous semi-christians (ouch!) And also, come now, that the contemplation of icons (which are “voiceless”) affords us the inclination to experience our own thoughts as those of God’s? And reading scripture does NOT do this? How many “Bible believing” church schisms have there been? More than 30,000 denominations now, right? You can probably count on two hands the number of churches that exist today that resulted in schism directly from the Orthodox. A message therein? Yeppers.

Also, I will not tackle the in depth history of Byzantine politics, there simply isn’t time. You know, this coffee my wife bought at Costco yesterday is quite good…I hope you are enjoying your beverage of choice.

Can we talk about paganism? You know, it’s a funny thing because I have grown up around a lot of skeptics: atheists and agnostics alike. One of the horns they love to honk is that of paganism. Oh how they love to show the connections between Christianity and paganism, as if to make me feel bad by in essence saying: “See, Christianity is just a new sort of paganism!” And…as we see in this essay, Christians love to do the same to each other. Ah, yes, they love to show how plain and clear it is that certain practices that their church avoids evolved from pagan practices…it is sooo obvious to them. Well, trypically there are three ways to answer such accusations: whether made by atheists against ALL of Christianity, or by Protestants against any form of Christianity, which predates their own:

Method 1: “So what?”
Method 2: “How do you know for sure?”
Method 3: “So what?”

I apply all three to the essay where in numerous spots it makes the sweeping and hugely assumptive link between Orthodox practice and pagan practice. To the Christian who makes the accusations, you can actually add a fourth method: “When do you celebrate Christmas?”

Oh, you know, caffeine gets to me everytime. I need to run to the rest room for a moment…feel free to talk amongst yourselves (comments?) and I’ll be right back.